Sound Advice - Songwriter's Block?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Take that ya silly blocks!

Dear FWN,

I'm the main songwriter for my band but there's a problem. You see, I haven't exactly been writing songs lately.

The lyrics, it's.. it's as if they've abandoned me. I'm talking Dikembe Mutombo-quality blockage. 

Help me break out of this funk! Please band oracle, please!  

Thanks again for all you do,

Stump Ed Again 

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We can free you from this man's tyranny 

Dearest Stump,

Ah, the writing gods are wagging their proverbial Dikembe finger at you, huh? No worries, it happens to the best of us (and in our case, the worst of us). 

I have two solutions for you to consider; I see this as a simple matter of space and preparation. 

Writing Space

What is your writing space like? Where do you write? Alone? Around others? Outside? Indoors? Sober? Er.. not sober?

I'd start here. Make small changes to your writing space.

If you write while "under the influence" try writing in the morning before anything too crazy can happen. What's that? You're shit-wasted by 9am? Daily?

Well then, maybe aiming for sober was a stretch. Try shooting for some larger target, like maybe only try being half-shit-wasted by 9am (quarter-shit-wasted preferable).   

If you typically write alone let me suggest writing at the bus station or the airport or some other depot where humanity can fully engulf you.

I often refer to people-watching as prompt-fishing. We humans are living, breathing, walking prompts. I write in public spaces for these cherished writing prompts alone.

Space. Context. These things matter. Matter matters. Space matters. Ladders matter!

[inner dialogue] "Where the fuck am I going with this? Ladders matter??? WTF man?! Reel it in, reel it..." 

Lookie here Stump, there's always trophies for participants of Context Contests.

Preparation 

How do you go about writing a song exactly Stump? Do you prefer to discover the song organically? Do you just let the lyrics and melody emanate straight from your Chi?

or...

Is your writing style more structured? Do you have outlines and topics laid out beforehand?

If you're just a natural born songwriting guru whose lyrical aura produces a heat index of 373.1339 Kelvin, I got nothing to offer you.

However, if you are looking for the easy path?? Short Cut is my middle name (for real though, it's Prewitt Short Cut Scott-Jackson. Check it. I got papers, dude).   

My papers, dude. I'm not a Pomeranian.

If I were a Dr. I'd prescribe you a healthy dose of Mad Lib Methodology. You remember Mad Libs, yea?      

Oh man, they got Buffy Mad Libs now? [Clicks 'Add to Cart' button]

1. Start with 2-3 adjectives. You can choose adjectives with positive or negative connotations but stay congruent, don't mix & match. Examples: dirty, cynical, dogmatic (negative) or generous, inventive, resourceful (positive)

2. Next, choose one of your hobbies. A verb, something you like to do (run, swing, jump, hike)

3. Pick your favorite color 

4. Someone you look up to (famous, historical or otherwise)

5. Favorite mode of locomotion (walking, running, quadrumanous, tip-toeing, dancing, etc.)

6. Choose your favorite native North American alpha-predator (wolf, black bear, mountain lion, etc.) 

7. Favorite object in the solar system (our solar system)

8. ALWAYS use the "yea, [insert chorus refrain here]" technique* 

And like that, poof! Buh-bye blocks!

Here's a song I wrote in about 3 minutes using sacred Mad Lib songwriting technologies:

"Tip-Toe Sun" by Prewitt Scott-Jackson and The Short Cuts

with dirty jeans your cynical beans

sprouted from dogmatic means

like hiking with no wolf to guide you

no worries, Day-Lewis will find you

'cause

it's a

Green, green, green

tip-toe Sun

livin' under a

Green, green, green

tip-toe Sun

Yea, it's a tip-toe Sun*

1 million heart emojis

Okay, so that song is fucking hot garbage fire, but hey, you get the picture. Next time you start to feel lyrically-challenged, Mad Lib it up!

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Wishing you all the best in your future songwriting endeavors Stump,

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - Drugs You Can and Cannot Take Prior to Playing a Gig

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Take too much and your band could end up looking like the cast from Candyland

Dear FWN,

Is there like a guideline out there somewhere that speaks to the types of illegal drugs that are conducive to playing live shows? I guess what I mean to say is: Are there drugs you recommend taking or not taking prior to playing a gig?

Just looking for a reference point, ya know? Like, I could figure this out on my own via trial and error but obviously that could prove catastrophic for the band if I stepped into the wrong shit, or took too much shit, etc.

Thanks again for all your guidance,

Wee D. Bagwell  

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Dearest Wee,

First off, you've come to the right place. We got you.

Secondly, why YES, we do have an official guideline!

Without further ado we give you...

......

......

....Fort Worth Noise's Official Guideline of Acceptable and Unacceptable Drugs to Consume Prior to Playing a Gig

Alcohol (Booze, Bevvies, Hooch) - YES - Everyone in the band should have a little bit of this in their system prior to performing. And you know what? It goes down well during and after the performance too. Exception: The drummer. Alcohol does not enhance hand-eye-foot coordination, do not let your drummer convince you otherwise.

Amphetamines (Speed, Billy, Whiz, Phet) - NO - If anything, for live shows, your band should be aiming to play at a slower BPM not a faster one than your recordings. Exception: The drummer but only if said drummer is in a thrash metal or punk band. 

Cannabis (Dope, Hash, Weed, Pot, Skunk, Ganja, Spliff, Green) - YES - This 10000% enhances the experience for everyone involved. Exception: None.

Cocaine and Crack (Coke, Charlie, White, Snow, Sniff) - NO - Unless you want a band full of paranoid lying sacks of shit, FWN does not recommend. Exception: If you are in a Disco band everyone in the band MUST do coke.

Ecstasy (E, Beans, Pills, Doves, Apples) - YES & NO - On the one hand, if you want your band to be emotive in their performance style, I mean, look no further. On the other hand however, your guitarist could wind up licking his fret board mid-show. Exception: N/A 

Heroin (Smack, Junk, H, Brown, Gear, Skag) - NO - Unless you are curious as to how fans would react to one of your band mates dying on stage, we do not recommend. Exception: You are literally Kurt Cobain. 

Ketamine (Green, K, Special K, Super K, Horse Tranq) - NO - Being hella Tranq'd-out is not exactly conducive to passable live performances. Exception: Your band has the word 'Horse' in its name. 

Khat (Qat, Quat, Chat) - WTF IS KHAT?? IDK BUT I KINDA WANNA TRY IT NOW

LSD (Acid, Tabs, Trips, Paper) - YES - Acid is highly recommended but only if you can handle your shit. Exception: If one of your bandmates cannot handle their shit, do not give that person acid.

Magic Mushrooms (Shrooms, Mushies, Magics) - YES - Of course. Always, just 'cause. Exception: None. 

Tobacco (Ciggies, Tabs, Smokes) - YES - This is pretty much expected and bonus(!): they double as stage props if used during the performance. Guitarists can hang them from their headstock (pretty fancy trick), vocalists can look cool af and sing while it hangs from the side of their mouth, drummers can no-look flick them into the audience like flingin' a broken drum stick, etc. Exception: If you find yourself gigging in Dallas or other smoke-free venue, obvs there will be no on-stage consumption.

Volatile Substances (Solvents, Gasoline, Whippets, Magic Markers) - FUCK NO - Just no. Exception: Whippets are pretty fun when you are already high on something else; so idk, maybe this is the lone exception?? 

Hope you found our guide useful Mr. Bagwell,

Catch you on the flip side,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”

Sound Advice - Should We Battle Other Bands?

This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.

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Musicians LARPing >>> Musicians "Battling"

Dear FWN,

Our band received a well-thought-out mass email asking us to play in a Battle of the Bands next month in Deep Ellum. Seems legit, right???

I know BotBs have a bad rep but are they really all that bad? 

Best regards,

Ron D. Corna

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Dearest Ron,

Just so we are 100% crystal, let's bullet point this joint:

• Run far the fuck away from that email
• (Seriously, far the fuck away!)
• (That's not far enough Ron)
• Take a hot shower
• Have an IT guy wipe your entire computer
• Finally ... REPENT REPENT REPENT my son for even considering the possibility

*wipes sweat from brow*

Regretfully yours,

FWN

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about the word writer person:

Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”