This is FWN's 'Dear Abby' column: musicians send us questions, we post them with answers and a fun made-up pseudonym.
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Dear FWN,
Our keyboardist's sex addiction, well, just their overall sexiness in general, is keeping our band from reaching its maximum potential. We have a gig Saturday, so we need to place a celibate keyboardist before the weekend commences.
Thanks in advance,
Thor Hammerstein
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My Dearest Thor,
Firstly, good luck with that whole "we need to place a celibate keyboardist" thing (you have better odds placing a celibate rabbit).
I mean, check out the following list of Greek sex gods: Ray Manzarek, David Bowie, Elton John, Jerry Lee Lewis, Brian Wilson, Little Richard, Ben Folds, Richard Wright, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Steve Winwood, Freddie Mercury, hell, even JPJ laid down some sweet sexy keys riffs. This list doesn't even include the keyboard sex goddesses!
Now then, since we've established keyboardists/pianists are inherently sex-charged, my advice is simple: go with it.
Look, if you have a keyboardist inserted as an integral part of your band on the permanent - not one of those that show up for the occasional live gig or makes its way into a few tracks on your record - your band is instantly granted seven sexy points on the standardized 30 Seconds to Mars Jared Leto Hotness Scale™.
In summation, your options are simple:
1. Own it, embrace their sexy sensual nature, it makes your band hot hot hot! [These last three words to be read aloud in Ruby Rhod's voice]
2. Find a Rent-a-Keys player (likely to be found lurking the electronic section of your local Guitar Center; but be careful, they bite).
3. Remove keys altogether i.e. be a band with zero sex appeal.
Hope this helps Thor,
Regretfully yours,
FWN
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about the word writer person:
Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes Dad poetry & short fiction when he's not hyping and typing for Fort Worth Noise. His writing can be found in Ghost City Press (New York), Five 2 One Magazine (Los Angeles), Prairie Schooner (University of Nebraska Press) and Sick Lit Magazine (Texas), among others. He prefers short walks on the beach because – and I quote – “It’s really hard to walk on sand.”
